7 Outstanding Ways To Ruin Your Relationship After The Quarantine

Living under quarantine is hard for everyone, especially for those who already agreed to this scam “till death do us apart.” When you have to spend 24 hours a day with your loved one, suddenly your bravery spikes, and the thought to risk your life to help others is not that much of a burden. You’ve hit rock bottom once you start envying the doctors who have to sleep in the hospital. Now, breaking up with your partner is not very wise, while we are still under quarantine since you can’t meet anyone. If you live together, it’s not the perfect time for apartment hunting as well. Better to wait for the quarantine to be lifted. When that happens, you better be prepared to destroy your relationship fast since most scientists agree that there will be a second wave of Covid-19. So here are 7 outstanding ideas on how to ruin your relationship in just a few days. 

1. Stop talking to your partner.

Usually, not talking to your partner is a sign that you are as mature as your daughter’s overpriced doll. So this is the perfect method to show your other half what a colossal mistake she made starting a family with you. Typically you need to have a reason not to talk to your partner, but here is the kicker – this time, you don’t. If he/she is stubborn enough to ask you what happened over 100 times and patient enough not to quit any sooner, just answer him/her that you dreamed how he/she cheated on you. They will get the message.

2. Stop your partner from seeing his/her friends. 

Never underestimate the power of smothering your other half. After spending 2-3-4 months in one place, just the two of you, not seeing anyone else, it’s only natural for anyone to want to see their friends. Here is your opening. Wait for him/her to arrange the meeting and say it’s OK for him/her to go alone since you don’t want to go. When the time for the meeting comes, your moment to shine has arrived. Start screaming to him/her how he/she always abandons you to spend time with his/her friends. If your partner has the audacity to point out that you’ve spent the last 120 days side by side every single moment of the day, the trap has already clicked. “Oh, if it’s such a burden for you to spend time with me, OK, go out to your friends.” Now, this usually will be enough to drive anyone away. Still, there are some people with nerves of steel which may submit and postpone the meeting. If this happens, just start doing the same when he wants to meet his parents, siblings, cousins. After all, your partner is your property. There is no reason for him/her to think of him/herself as a separate individual. 

3.Insult your partner all the time

Insulting people is rude and downright shitty, even if you are not in a relationship. But right now, being a shitstain and making your significant other miserable enough to leave you is your go. Start slowly with cooking. Just point out that he/she cooks awful, and you’d rather eat the dog’s food. Then continue with his/her appearance, tidiness, and at the end – the sex. You should be sharp and always ready to let his/her feelings down. With this method, after a week, you will be free. In some more stubborn cases, it may take a little while longer. In rare cases, the person will have such low self-esteem that he/she will cling to you no matter what. If this is the case, just say you can’t be with a person who doesn’t respect himself/herself.  

4. Become a slob

This is one of the more effortless tactics. The quarantine will help you a lot. After all, the more time you spend at home, the more homeless you look. So just make sure to let yourself go. Gain weight, don’t shower, don’t clean up after yourself, and, most importantly, don’t ever change out of your pajamas. It’s a waste of time. You won’t be getting anywhere. There is a small risk of contracting a bacterial or other infection with this way of life, but sacrifices are bound to be made if you want to reach your goal. 

5. Become hyper-religious. 

Being religious is not a problem per se, and many people are, to some extent. Becoming a fanatic, on the other hand, will most likely drive everyone around you away. Each morning starts with a prayer. If you are a Muslim, don’t forget to shout at the top of your lungs, the adhan at sunrise. If you’re a Christian, light up incense and bless your home. If your significant other dears to suggest to turn your religious practices down a notch, just politely nod. The next time he/she goes to sleep, tie her up to a crucifix. When she wakes up, tell her that she is being punished for her blasphemy.  

6. Become a Scientologist.

As you might have guessed, this won’t work if you are a Scientologist already. If you are… HAHAHAHAHAHA… good luck with that. Start with taking a mortgage on your home and donating it to the church of Scientology. If that’s not enough, start preaching to your other half the teachings of the secret “Advanced technology.” If by any chance, the person you’re with doesn’t abandon you instantly and actually buys this nonsense, you need to do two more things. First – leave this poor crazy person at once, before he/she ruins your life, and second – become the founder of a new religion. If you can sell to anyone this gibberish that Scientology is teaching, you are sure to succeed in any spiritual endeavor you partake in.  

7. Be always right

There is nothing people love more than a person who knows better, who is always right, and thinks he makes no mistake. After all, you are a godlike creature, and mistakes are for the pathetic humans. It’s best to continually remind people of this irrefutable fact that you are correct, and they are mistaken. If people love something more than someone, who is always right, it’s to be reminded of their mistakes. On the off chance something doesn’t turn out the exact way you predicted, blame it on something else. If you can blame it on your partner – kudos. 

If you found this interesting and want to express your support for my work monetarily, please consider tipping me with a small DONATION. Any amount will be greatly appreciated. 

Subscribe to my email list for funny emails every now and then (Maximum once a week). You’ll have the opportunity to get every new story and article directly.